Pack the Suitcase, Leave Behind the Mom Guilt.
I am currently on my way to Costa Rica for a couple’s trip. By the time you read this, we will have been back for one day, but these were my thoughts while on the runway…
The older I get, the less I enjoy the act of flying. Our flight was delayed after boarding due to frost on the plane. This gave me extra time to close my eyes and wait. Unfortunately, I did not sleep well the night before. I usually fall asleep when my head hits the pillow, which infuriates my husband because he doesn’t have the same luck. But something about leaving town and going through all the to-do lists kept my brain working overtime. I tried deep breathing. I tried my eye mask, counting, and even a sound machine. We had to be at the airport by 4:45 am and I went to bed at 10 pm. At midnight I thought, oh my gosh, pleaseeeee fall asleep. At 1:30 am I started begging my inner dialogue to turn off. At 3:25 am, I thought—well, at this point what is the point? I got out of bed at 4:10 am…I’m telling myself I probably got a solid hour of sleep, but that might be generous. As I sat on the plane and closed my heavy eyelids, I had a thought. As moms, we just get used to a lack of sleep. In the newborn phase of motherhood, you are so exhausted you are almost delirious. For most of us, it gets better the older our kids get, but then some stretches remind you just how capable you are at functioning on little to no sleep. Sick kids? No sleep. Bad dreams? No sleep. Wet the bed? No sleep. I’m amazed when I think of mothers, especially my friends who are mothers, and think about everything we can achieve while getting less than the recommended shut-eye. I’m questioning as I write this if the completed post will even make sense because I have had such minimal rest in the last 24 hours.
One of the recurring thought loops that kept me awake last night was the thought of leaving my little ones. I love going on vacation. Don’t get me wrong, I love family vacations too, but something about the freedom you have with your time and activities on an adult trip is amazing. That doesn’t make it any easier to leave, though. I recently had dinner with my high school friends—it took months to come up with a date that worked for all 5 of us (I believe a lot of you will be able to relate to that). Once the date finally arrived which happened to be the night before we left, we inevitably talked about motherhood. One topic, as my Costa Rica trip would soon be upon me was the topic of mom guilt and leaving our kids at home. My husband and I have always taken the opportunity to go on trips when we can, but I think as our kids get older, it gets more difficult for me to leave. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my kids and when they look sad or disappointed when you discuss the fact that you will be gone for a few days, it breaks my heart. However, it would be gut-wrenching to look back 15-20 years from now and think, I wish I would have spent more quality time with my husband. As much as I love my children and our family time, I do think it is important to pour into your relationship with your partner as well.
At this dinner, one of my friends asked how you get passed the mom guilt and anxiety. My friend and her husband are going on a trip soon and haven’t left their son in over a year. I didn’t have a quick response and it felt hypocritical to try to give any tips when I was dealing with my feelings of guilt and anxiety about leaving. Another friend chimed in and shared something I want to share with you. She explained that she doesn’t think there will ever be a time when there isn’t some guilt associated with leaving, but that once you are away knowing that your children are being taken care of and having a great time with grandparents or other loved ones—you can relax and enjoy yourself. The actual goodbye is the hardest part. Will they miss you? Yes. Will you miss them? Yes, of course. Do you need to occasionally recharge so you can fill your cup to be able to fill theirs? Absolutely!
So, here I am hoping to be able to shut my eyes and fall asleep for a few extra minutes before this airplane lands and I hit the beach with sunscreen in tow. Knowing that it’s a blessing to be able to step away for a few days. To be able to laugh and enjoy conversations with adults that don’t revolve around toots and Bluey. I can’t wait to get home and snuggle my love bugs, but until then I will step away confidently knowing they are cared for and I need to focus on the here and now.
Have a great weekend, and as always, happy reading.
*Don’t worry, I will give you all the details on Costa Rica soon…including what beach read I enjoyed and any books we might find to bring back for the kiddos, where we stayed, and what I would recommend if you plan on visiting soon. *
